TECHNOLOGY was killing my SEXUAL LIFE. So we banned it in the bedroom.

Before we introduced the ban:


I used to lie down  in bed, make myself comfortable, and immediately click on my social media apps or watch a video

Sometimes I wouldn't say even one word to my husband or even look at him when he came into the bedroom to join me.

He'd get into bed and do the same thing. We'd be lying on opposite sides of the bed, in our own digital worlds, physically and mentally apart from each other.

Sometimes we could be on our phones for 30 or 45 minutes in silence, then turn out the light, say good night, and try to go to sleep.

Doing this every night made us wake up feeling more disconnected and less satisfied with each other, which created more tension and negativity in our daily relationship.


How has banning technology in the bedroom impacted my sex live?


It has made a massive positive difference. We are more active, but also when we want to have sex it happens more naturally. More quality as well as more quantity.

This has happened because without technology in the bedroom, me and my husband are connected in the traditional sense more than before.We give each other our full attention, instead of our devices.

We are present in the moment, with our feelings.We talk, we're relaxed, we have no distractions, we have made that time only for the two of us, so we feel like the most important thing to each other.

And that creates a nice environment for us to be in the mood, and for sex to be more likely to happen.But it's not just about sex on its own.

Sex is the result of being more connected emotionally and mentally, with yourself and with your partner. Being more relaxed in yourself. Feeling more intimate, and physical intimacy normally comes after emotional intimacy. 

 


Why did I give up technology?



My husband and I went through a period last year when were arguing more, about lots of little things, and he complained many times that our sex life was important to our general relationship, and that it wasn't in a healthy place.

We talked about how sex doesn’t just happen, especially when you've been together many years and you have busy lives with your mind full of kids and work stresses. It needs other non-sexual things to be happening in the relationship.

We looked at how we could reconnect in a non-sexual way, feel more intimate with each other, spend quality time together, actually focused on only each other, and the obvious place to start making improvements was what we were doing in the bedroom (which is the only guaranteed time of the day that it's just the two of us!)

I want to be clear that I haven't "given up" technology altogether. That would be impossible with my coaching business, and technology is a very useful tool for me to promote what I do and talk to clients. However, I've put stricter control and rules on when I use, and don't use, technology and I believe that's the key for everyone to have a healthy relationship with both their phones and their partners!


Listen to me on BBC 5 Live at The Emma Barnett Show starts at 1h 40 min - I’m talking at 1h 47min 

https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m0004svs

 

Arantxa De Dios

HYPNOTHERAPIST - NLP - LIFE COACH

www.arantxadedios.com 

arantxadedios@gmail.com

Are you a MUM? Tell me, WHAT DO YOU NEED?

Hello! And a big thank you for reading my post. 

 

Hey Mums! Yes you, Mummy! It doesn’t matter if you are a brand-new Mum or an experienced Mum, a single Mum or a happily married/co-habiting Mum, a straight Mum, a bisexual or lesbian Mum, a young Mum or an older Mum, a Mum of 1 or a Mum of 5. I'm talking to all you Mummies out there! The first thing I have to say to you. You're all total hero(in)es ! 

 

I want to remind you how brave and how strong you are, just to do what Mums have to do every day.  I take my hat off to you. You're all doing a great job. Even if you sometimes find it tough. Even if you sometimes struggle, even if you sometimes cry, even if you sometimes look around and feel that you are the only Mum who’s having a really hard time. Even if you sometimes feel completely alone and like you're a failure. I want to tell you that, even in those moments, ESPECIALLY in those moments, you are doing a great job. This job, being a Mum, what nobody tells you is that it's the hardest job in the world. Being a Mum. Being a Mum means being a HERO(INE). 

 

But you're right. Being a Mum is also bloody hard. I know that because I’m a Mum. My daughter is 3 and a bit years old. She’s a 'threenager', yes, she really is, trust me! She pushes me to and past my limits. She can make me feel a joy I can't explain, but also a frustration and anguish that I don't want to explain. It's complicated with her. I also have another complication. As I type these words, I am also staring at this very big belly in front of me.... and it isn't a beer belly. I’m 38 weeks pregnant! So I'm getting ready to be a 'Double Mummy'! Double the joy. But maybe double the despair? Certainly double the complications! 


 

Generally speaking, I’m a very happy Mum. But sometimes I find it so bloody hard. Being a Mum while at the same time also being a Wife, being a Professional, being a Person, being Me. I want to share with you my challenges. Now, I’m dealing with:

• fighting exhaustion of the mental, physical and emotional type. 

• juggling two business (my languages agency ADC Languages, and I’m a transformational life coach)

• being an active and positive contributor to my relationship with my husband 

• trying to keep a million other balls in the air at the same time. 

• processing the guilt I feel about having a career and not spending enough quality time with my daughter. 

• controlling these crazy pregnancy hormones!!

• maintaining a healthy sense of my own identity. What am I first and foremost? A Mum? Can I please be something a bit more glamorous?

• having my work life balance not just today but (almost!) every day 

• slowing down my brain which is overloaded with questions, with worry, with thoughts. 

 

However…. I have some help. Thanks to my coaching, my ability to reflect back to myself, to find acceptance and to make small adjustments, I know what I NEED to survive and thrive. I need to:

• Ask for help.

• Accept help.

• Go to bed early to sleep

Go to bed early to not sleep!

• Meet my friends. 

• Spend time with people I like and trust who are in the same situation. 

• Lower my expectations. 

• Be comfortable To say “no”

• Leave my daughter overnight and go away. 

• To do something that I enjoy. 

• Drink a glass of champagne

• Get a regular massage

• Have a bath. 

• Find some silence. 

• Spend time on my own.

But what I REALLY NEED is to:

• accept my beautiful reality, with 

it's beautiful imperfections

• enjoy this marvellous period when my daughter is loving me in the most uncomplicated and pure way she may ever do in her life 

• be grateful for having the best husband ever. Without him I wouldn't be doing what I'm doing right now, running two businesses, writing these words, and at the same time trying to be an amazing MUM, trying to be an amazing ME, most of the time succeeding EVEN IF ITS SOMETIMES STILL BLOODY HARD!!!

 

So, fellow HERO(INE) MUMMIES out there, tell me... What are your challenges? What do you need ? What do you REALLY NEED ? 

I would love to hear from you. 

 

Thanks 

 

Arantxa.