Arantxa De Dios, hypnotherapist, NLP practitioner and transformational coach. Mother of two (Ariana and Jim, 7 and 3 years old). Helps families where anger, impatience or frustration manifest themselves regularly at home.
When I posted the original version of this article back in the autumn, I started by posing the following two questions to working parents:
1. How did you do earlier this year during the 100 days plus of ‘wave 1 lockdown’ where you needed to be with your kids practically 24 hours a day, 7 days a week while at the same time as working, cooking, cleaning, doing chores and on top of that turning yourself into a professional teacher??
2. And, how do you feel you’ll do should we, heaven forbid, be forced into another full lockdown where schools and colleges close and you’re thrown into the same situation again?
Now that the scenario in my second question has become an unfortunate reality, it is so very important that we working parents once again ask ourselves that first question. Reflecting back on the good, the bad and the ugly of lockdown 1 will show us the important lessons we need to take onboard to equip ourselves mentally and logistically to not just survive but thrive during this current lockdown, whether it lasts 50 or 100 days.
The starting point we must all have in mind when going through this process is a simple one, however it is easily forgotten so needs be spelt out very clearly. The mental health of parents is, and will always be, of paramount importance during the Covid-19 pandemic. The large quantity of additional pressures which we parents face such as needing to isolate, financial difficulties, living with constant uncertainty on top of the ‘normal’ pressures of being a mum or dad means that for many anger, impatience and frustration are threatening to take control of us. What’s more, at the end of any given day we often feel guilty and ashamed for shouting or reacting in an exaggerated or unnecessarily extreme way to our kids.
For me personally, one of the things I found most frustrating during that 100 days was needing to be the primary home-schooler of my then 6 year old daughter. All the video-calls, assignments and homework riled up both of us on more than one occasion. I felt angry with her school, with her individual teachers, with my husband for working full time from home and not having more time to spend with our kids, with this bloody virus and – most often – with myself.
During the last few months I’ve worked with many parents, not to mention also working on myself (because it’s not easy for me and I’ve lost my temper on more than one occasion) to be better at controlling negative emotions. If you’re a parent who worries about damaging their children through impulsive reactions, and who feels ashamed when you see expressions of worry or fear on their faces anticipating your anger when they’ve done something wrong, how about instead of thinking – as we often do – that our kids should stop behaving badly so that we can remain calm, that we actually think the reverse?
I’d like to share with you here a few useful coping techniques, through which you can find calm first of all within you.
- Think in the positive: this is one of my fundamental and primary techniques which I use with my clients to help them be conscious of their thoughts, principally the negative ones. Every day note down your negative thoughts and for each one negative thought write two positive thoughts. You’ll see that many of them repeat themselves and that with practice you’ll succeed in changing that habit of entering into a cycle of this type of thinking and you’ll be able to on each occasion replace them with a positive. With perseverance, you’ll succeed little by little to change the programming which has embedded itself into your mind. And remember that we feel what we think. Think in the positive and you will feel positive emotions.
- Communicate in the positive: if I was to say to you now “do not think about a big grey elephant”, tell me, what are you now thinking of!? A big grey elephant! exactly what I asked that you didn’t do. Our brain tends to ignore the word ‘no’ and for that we often get the exact opposite of what we want. So, if we say to or child, “Don’t scream!” your child actually hears “Scream!” and for that they’ll surely scream. Think in what you want your child to do and tell them that using clear, simple and positive words so in this case something like, “speak in a quiet voice”.
- Focus on what you do want, not what you don’t: do you remember when you or your partner were pregnant and all of a sudden the word was full of pregnant women? When you think and focus on something, suddenly it’s that which you see the most and more often than not you end up getting yourself. Interesting, right? If you think about what you don’t want, and you have a clear idea or expectation of what you don’t want to happen, it’s that which you’ll also end up getting. Focus on what you want and, when you realise that you’re thinking in what you don’t want, ask yourself “what do I want instead?” and use a positive phrase to respond e.g. “I don’t want to get angry” = “I want to be calm”; “I don’t want to shout” = “I want to speak calmly”.
- Adjust your expectations: the fact is that each one of us knows very clearly what we can and can’t do. When you feel frustrated with your circumstances ask yourself, “what expectations do I have right now for me and for others?”. Consider for a moment how it would feel to free yourself from all these expectations and ask yourself instead, “which expectations would make my life easier for me and for others?”. Accept that you can adjust your expectations in your current situation to simplify your life for you and those around you, and take that action.
- Look after yourself: parents, especially mothers, tend to put themselves in last place on the priority list and at the end of a day we realise that we completely forgot about ourselves. When we actively take care of ourselves, we are showing others that we are deserving of care and attention, that we function better, think clearer and we manage challenges more effectively. Prioritise at least 15 minutes daily just for you, to do something which you like and which makes you feel good. Your mind and body will thank you for it.
- Live in the moment: this is something we hear all the time, and perhaps this pandemic has allowed us to understand what it actually means. The past often creates nostalgia in us and by contrast the future, more so now than ever, can generate uncertainty and anxiety. The now is the only thing we definitively have. Connect with it, and enjoy it.
If I had one piece of advice, it would be to ensure that you’re making your genuinely best effort. It’s not going to be perfect. This is a period in our lives which is different to what we’ve experienced before, and if this virus has taught us anything it’s that there is only one way to thrive in it. We have to advance through it. The same applies to our negative emotions and difficult feelings. There is light at the end of the tunnel. And maybe this moment can be a valuable opportunity to discover, reflect and work internally to show the best version of ourselves to the children we hold so dear to our hearts.
And, let’s not forget that if there’s little else we can control at the moment, we will always be able to control our minds. It’s essential we do so.